Wednesday, February 20, 2019

Contemplation

This wasn't the first time I've though about it. It's not the first time I attempted it. But it's the first time I was given a physical sign to not follow through. Humanity still exists. Even if it seems like there is not a kind soul in this world...you might be encountered with one when you least expect it or when you need it the most.

I was so close to my suicide last week. Taking the ferry to Butterworth with no change in my pocket to take the ferry back if I had changed my mind. I wanted to jump so bad out of that ferry, be completely detached from this fucked up world. Take my life out of my body, ending who knows where, the pits of hell, on the side of the shore, a rescue boast...I really don't know. But there were too many people on that ferry, old people, young people, families, babies, cars, motorbikes. I didn't want to cause a commotion in their day just because I wanted to die. That would just be completely selfish and inconsiderate. I just couldn't do it that way. So I stepped out of that ferry in utter disappointment of still breathing. What now? So I decided jumping off the Penang bridge was my next best option. No scene. No witnesses. Fast and easy.

So I walked. Steps and tears and confusion which way to go. I think I walked for over one hour...and unfortunately the first bridge had houses below it which would ruin a night of at least a few people....really though...2 bridges!? But wow right before I arrived to the 2nd bridge above the ocean, that would soon be home to my dead body, some guy on his motorbike told me he will take me across because it's too dangerous to walk on that bridge. I told him I was okay but he kept insisting until I shyly and with a bit of relief hopped on. One stranger's simple act of kindness saved me...LITERALLY. Thank you kind sir.

So here I am one week later with only shame and determination to change myself. Now with no Whatsapp no local number no contact with my parents since the morning I almost jumped. My friends and I both cut each other off months ago. I only have Allah and my fiance keeping me strong...no one else in my life. I'm trying my best to keep myself busy, not to sit with my negative thoughts too long but just keep moving. I've just been so tired lately and my body is sore everywhere even though I do nothing physically straining. Just drained mentally.

I want to get better though.

I choose to get better.

For myself. Not my parents. I truly understand that me committing suicide only terminates my life. Everyone else's life is still intact. Life goes on. The world doesn't disappear. Just mine.

Why give up when I can give myself time to change?

To those who want to jump or are so close to ending your life...I hope you are given a sign or a person even if it's a stranger to save you on that night. I hope you get some strength before the action. I know this post might not be powerful enough to be your sign, but I can still hope right? It isn't easy to save ourselves when their seems to be no way of getting better.  But give yourself just a bit more time, I know you are really trying and the patience is starting to wither. You just have to choose. Life or death. There is no turning back for both. But there is always going to be a movement forward for the first option.

Monday, February 4, 2019

Year of Pigs

Pigs wildly run around
skin of pink
brown
black
white
yellow stained streets
queue for food outside temple
prayers recited
families park their fancy car on the side of Buddha
smoke in the air
greed flying free
now eat til you die
eat until you cannot chew another morsel
sleep
happy new year sir

La La Land

Every time I ask my "try-hard-to-be-american but is clearly fresh off the boat Asian" dad for 50 bucks I get the same boring, wast...