"I hope you are still alive."
What the fuck kind of text message is that?
Is this your way of showing that you are a real friend who cares about me?
None of you really give one shit about what I am doing with my life. I've been in and out of my hometown for 2 years now. In and out of the country I was born in. Sometimes I struggle with money and sometimes I am MIA completely off the grid from everyone and anyone from my past. Not even my family I care to contact anymore. Everything I do isn't enough if I am not back in America studying the fulfilling this fake ass "American dream." If Trump had the option to deport me he would, and surely I would deport myself. But I am surely grateful for the American passport that came along with being born in a funny country. So I am definitely going to use it to the best of my ability while I possess it. Going from Malaysia and Thailand like there's no tomorrow.
This one text message can shift my mindset into a depressive state instantly. One friend "hoping" that I am still alive...suggesting that I have gone that low in my life to give up completely. She expresses that all my "friends and family" are worried about me back home. What? That's complete bullshit because when I was back home my "friends and family" didn't even care to visit me or help me get out of drugs and a shitty lifestyle. The moral support is never there, whether I'm in my hometown or in Penang, Malaysia. No shits are given.
This one text message can have me worry my ass off about my future. Keep overthinking that what I am doing now, where I am now, is not good for my life. That if I was following the way my "friends and family" expect me to do my life would be better. This overthinking is complete nonsense. I am just giving myself a headache, nothing else. This is the last place in my head I want to be while I am becoming a Muslim. This is not Islam thinking. This is atheist, toxic overthinking that needs to be eliminated just like all the text messages and fake worries I randomly receive. Blocking people from my whatsapp is what I have to resort to now. My strength with Allah isn't where I thought it was. I really have to build that first before I try to strengthen any other past friendships or contact with my family. My relationship with Allah must come first. He is always there for you no matter what. He decides your future, not you.
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