Don't board that plane

Currently 13:55
Flight time 15:35
Ruin your life
New religion destroyed
Love perished
Board that plane and you die

Remain where you are
Calm
Collected
Attached to your nature as a human
As your Creator's
You are okay
Just don't board
Or you will slowly burn

Steam of blandness

Out of her uterus you go. I am a alive. I am a baby into this new world. Pure. Innocent. New. A baby. No experience. No language. No knowledge. Everything starting fresh from now on. So I slowly grow my baby hairs longer. Roll, sit, crawl, roll, stand, fall, walk, run, roll, run, roll into a depression as I gain awareness of my surroundings. Influences everywhere you look everything you hear is going to shape your character and future self, As soon as you start talking they already want more from you. It doesn't end until you really make it then but regardless their will always be that voice in the back of your head that has influenced you ever since you could understand your first language. But even if you understood in your way does that mean you really understand in their way. And even if you understand in their way do you want to fulfill what they want for you or what you want for yourself. You are nothing but a baby though right. They have to mold you into something that can conquer this evil world. So school starts and then you are forced to play sports and not just any sport you want but a sport that will help you get a scholarship in school...nope it doesn't matter if you enjoy that sport or are even good at it because you were convinced to practice a sport that will guarantee you easy college admission. Oh and your career? It better promise you a good salary. Get that degree as fast as you can and strap yourself down to that promised salary. And the minimum better be no less than $45,000 a year. Who cares if you are only 22 years old when you earn your promised bachelor's degree because that degree guarantees a successful life. Oh and successful just means a good salary it doesn't matter if you are a low level nurse in a government controlled hospital where your colleagues don't even know if you are a nurse or a patient because your eye bags are darker than the moon. And make sure that salary keeps getting higher. After two years of nursing and your continuation of school you better be a Nurse Practitioner at the age of 25 or you are irrelevant to this society. And no you cannot just work you have to be fit and post your healthy meals on your social media while catching up with all your old friends that completely forgot why they still associate themselves with you. Don't take it personally though. At least you got that promised salary your father has been begging you to continue school for. So you wake up. Go on a morning run, eat your avocado poached egg toast and bike to work and then you work your 12 hour shift only to bike back to your lonely apartment with your two fishes that you feed before yourself and then you continue to scroll and like and dream and envy and shake off the fact that you are not happy you will never be satisfied with this lifestyle. You go out occasionally with some friends or your roommates but the drinks taste watered down even though you still can't get it down your hatch properly without throwing it back up or embarrassing yourself flushed in red. And better yet you go to sleep alone or with some guy that gave you a drink or a hit of his joint. How long does this cycle repeat until you realized you want to be a wife already you want to start a family. Friends can leave anytime they wish. But a husband and kids is the life we are created for. Maybe now you aren't on your path to that salary your father has talked to you about since you were in High School, but he never talked about happiness or hereafter. This life on this Earth is too temporary that;s it;s almost funny how people take it too seriously, You must be successful, but not in your happy family, but in your singular income. What a life that would be. I'm 100000% sure Allah did not create these hands just to earn and spend for useless items. Wake up girlies. Life is so much more than just money and instant satisfaction and gratification. Seek out happiness for eternal life...not just today. Maybe you don't know from your obsessive consumerism culture you were born in....but patience can guide you out to a better life. Take care.

Home ???

What a funny way to live.

I've been in Indonesia for almost 2 weeks and I feel the same feelings as last August right before I went back to US.

I wouldn't call that place home just my birth place I guess…I don't really belong anywhere to be quite honest.

No home.

But none of us really have a quote on quote home if you really think deep about it. Is a home where we were born? Where we were raised? Is it a place? A house? A person? More than one person? Is it a pet? A family? A feeling? A desire? An emotion? I'm still trying to grasp this concept of home but quite honestly it sounds so fucking far off that it barely seems to even exist.

Does it have to be missed? Or is it your goal? An unattainable fairytale vision?

And is this concept of home necessarily the place where you belong or should remain?

But why am I even thinking about mt settlement when I just came out of the womb 20 years ago?

I am still a free little baby seeing the quote on quote real world and truly discovering who I am as an individual.

But so far I'm fucked up.

To be honest it's not easy finding yourself when you are so so deeply in love.

Myself is now someone that must coexist with this man. So it is even myself? I feel lost without him and I feel even more lost with him. I'm so caught up in this string of hearts that I'm unintentionally strangling myself. But its basically intentional since I am completely aware of this entanglement and refuse to unwind. But in the end I just want to cut the ties all at once.

I am completely thinking and believing things that has never crossed my mind 2 years ago. The thought of my nonexistent home has completely kept me up at night. My mind is so unsteady. I've acquired a constant mental fog and no matter how hard I try to read or pray or focus on my intentions for Allah…I completely trip. And right as I was going to jump into the bridge I fall on my laces and I can't even make it to the bridge anymore.

My back is straining.
My jaw is tensing until I feel a dull pain.

My heart feels like it can explode any minute. In the best way possible. And at the same time, in the worst way possible.

I don't know how to let go of this lingering tension.

I try to calm myself. But after the moment of clarity the tension builds back up more intense. The intensity increasing by increments of the thousands every time I attempt to suppress my mind.

I can't keep pushing these feelings. I'm swaying in a swing that is about to collapse. My strength hasn't been fully tested merely because my weaknesses are too heavy to even lift a centimeter off.

Anyways enough of my amateur cry out poetry.

As I was saying, I feel like I'm in the same place as last August when I left Thailand and went back to US. And I went back simply because I couldn't handle relying on this man anymore. He was struggling everyday to help feed me and get me a hostel bed Thailand. I think it lasted 2.5 weeks alone but fully depending on this man when he was in Malaysia. And after 3 days of not eating I decided to climb into my biological father's babycrib and fly home with his aid and our regrets. His regret for having me born and my regret that I didn't use that opportunity back in my birth place to the best of my ability. My stupid little fucked up, diminishing, low level abilities. Sorry Dad. It definitely saddens me too that I didn't conform to millennium society when I had the PERFECT chance right in front of my can of beer and multiple lines of cocaine. Wait what? Oh yeah did I mention regrets?

And yet again Thailand visa run part 2 but this time in lovely Indonesia. Eating twice a day already feels glutinous compared to how me and this man lived in Malaysia though...believe it or not...the day I left this man to do my little visa run we just pulled a double all nighter at the cyber cafe. Funny right? And I still had to ask my cousin for the ticket! And then this man proceeds to pull multiple all nighters completely homeless while booking me a room here in Indonesia. Yeah talk about struggle.

I don't know why everyday has to be a waiting game. I simply cannot live like this. Just wait for this man to finish a job and send me money to eat and get a room. It doesn't feel right at all. And sometimes he doesn't even have a room and of course he never eats enough. How is this right at all? I am fully capable of working in US but he thinks I will literally burn in hell if I go back there. Whether he is right or not is besides the point. So what? I just have to sit around while he works too hard to barely feed the both of us. I love traditional lifestyles and all that but I gotta wake up man....this isn't 1500s and I'm not living in a village. I don't know what 20 year old girl in her right mind is travelling abroad living this type of life when she has a completely open sesame opportunity in her birth place the Super Capitalist Mega 1st World Country. The simple answer is that I'm fucking crazy.
Crazy mentally and maybe crazy in love. I don't really know what it is but it's been quite an experience. It's kind of hilariously outrageous and at the same time extremely sad.

I don't know.

My heart is aching.

My chest is in pain.

I can't stop crying.

I can't write anymore.

This is all I have to say for now.

Probably a handful to understand.

Now that I read this over again I can't help but laugh at how ridiculous my life is right now.

Can't take it so seriously right? I guess that's partly what keeps me going. But also partly what keeps me not giving a shit anymore. So there it is.

Puffy Eyes

Tense shoulders
Throat quivering
Two full buckets ready to spill
You turn away from him
Let him not see a drop
He speaks
Triggered emotions
Buckets tip over dramatically
Emptied
Followed by puffy eyes

Nemuri Kyoshiro: The Man with No Tommorow

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vms8cz9cyv0

Brilliant Japanese 1995 film.
Fun and artistic portrayal of katana sword fighting.

Sonic Youth's Anagrama

The album Anagrama created by Sonic Youth released in 1997.
21 years ago.
1 year before I was born.
Listening to it on a February day in 2019. The year I don't belong.
Wishing I was 20 at the time of this release....not an adolescent in this shitty era of pop indie edm whatever people want to call their unoriginal soundcloud garbage.
Instead of listening to it for the first time on Youtube, I can place it's vinyl record on a player and play it at the suggested 45 and then after that put the pin back to the edge of the record adjusting the speed to 33 to feel it a bit slower. Feel every crazy vibration.
This album is quite eccentric.
Words cannot describe what your ears endure during the EP's 23 minutes of 4 tracks.
The first track really hits the spot from the very beginning. So relaxing and tingly.
9 1/2 minutes of pure passion.
The first half of this EP is absolute sex due to this song "Anagrama" as you can see is also the title of the full album.
The second half is definitely more intense to the ears. A little rough and kinky.
Foreplay is officially over once you get to the 2nd track.
Sonic Youth is coming at you raw on these next 3 tracks.
You are basically in another universe at this point.
There's no turning back. The familiar drums then come back from the 1st track but you are still confused as hell.
You then find some composure after being face fucked by aliens. Hoping this is some time machine realm that will let you press rewind to the 90's. 
Then to realize that it's coming back at you even weirder and stronger hitting you with harsh reality of post-punk for the 3rd and 4th track.
The vibes are first sexy but actually it turns out it's more creepy than sexy. You even hear your phone ringing at some point but it's just an alien phonebooth no worries. 
It's just a whole lot going on but you learn to like it a lot. And replay it while you read the morning news. And then replay it again while you clean your house. While you drive the kids to school. You fucking fall asleep to the crackhead seizure of track 4 "Mieux: De Corrosion."

Alright good luck with it.

Contemplation

This wasn't the first time I've though about it. It's not the first time I attempted it. But it's the first time I was given a physical sign to not follow through. Humanity still exists. Even if it seems like there is not a kind soul in this world...you might be encountered with one when you least expect it or when you need it the most.

I was so close to my suicide last week. Taking the ferry to Butterworth with no change in my pocket to take the ferry back if I had changed my mind. I wanted to jump so bad out of that ferry, be completely detached from this fucked up world. Take my life out of my body, ending who knows where, the pits of hell, on the side of the shore, a rescue boast...I really don't know. But there were too many people on that ferry, old people, young people, families, babies, cars, motorbikes. I didn't want to cause a commotion in their day just because I wanted to die. That would just be completely selfish and inconsiderate. I just couldn't do it that way. So I stepped out of that ferry in utter disappointment of still breathing. What now? So I decided jumping off the Penang bridge was my next best option. No scene. No witnesses. Fast and easy.

So I walked. Steps and tears and confusion which way to go. I think I walked for over one hour...and unfortunately the first bridge had houses below it which would ruin a night of at least a few people....really though...2 bridges!? But wow right before I arrived to the 2nd bridge above the ocean, that would soon be home to my dead body, some guy on his motorbike told me he will take me across because it's too dangerous to walk on that bridge. I told him I was okay but he kept insisting until I shyly and with a bit of relief hopped on. One stranger's simple act of kindness saved me...LITERALLY. Thank you kind sir.

So here I am one week later with only shame and determination to change myself. Now with no Whatsapp no local number no contact with my parents since the morning I almost jumped. My friends and I both cut each other off months ago. I only have Allah and my fiance keeping me strong...no one else in my life. I'm trying my best to keep myself busy, not to sit with my negative thoughts too long but just keep moving. I've just been so tired lately and my body is sore everywhere even though I do nothing physically straining. Just drained mentally.

I want to get better though.

I choose to get better.

For myself. Not my parents. I truly understand that me committing suicide only terminates my life. Everyone else's life is still intact. Life goes on. The world doesn't disappear. Just mine.

Why give up when I can give myself time to change?

To those who want to jump or are so close to ending your life...I hope you are given a sign or a person even if it's a stranger to save you on that night. I hope you get some strength before the action. I know this post might not be powerful enough to be your sign, but I can still hope right? It isn't easy to save ourselves when their seems to be no way of getting better.  But give yourself just a bit more time, I know you are really trying and the patience is starting to wither. You just have to choose. Life or death. There is no turning back for both. But there is always going to be a movement forward for the first option.