La La Land

Every time I ask my "try-hard-to-be-american but is clearly fresh off the boat Asian" dad for 50 bucks I get the same boring, waste of time lectures,

"Geeez Ella what have you become"
"You are such in a la la land"
"Kids here are working 2-3 jobs and what are you doing with your life"
"You are just having fun"
"So this is what Islam has done to you?"

Woah. woah. woah. Hold up.
So asking my dad who is comfortably working and enjoying his life in America for some money is a really big deal?
I live in a country that is 4 times less in salary/currency/cost of living than you American dream and I am the enemy. Oh alright, congratufuckinglations to all you Jews.
Islam is always the enemy right?
This has nothing to do with religion, this is just a situation of money, and that's all you fools care about, your precious little USD.

You think I'm living in a La La Land because I am 21 years old and sometimes need help from my parents. Oh, someone arrest me already.
Stop thinking so negative about your own daughter.
I'm not the same like your eastern european gold diggers that have cheat you for money. I am your own daughter.
I will give you love and attention no matter what.
It doesn't matter if you send me $50 or $5,000....
I won't runaway from you.
I'm not here to cheat you.
I'm here to be your daughter.
To be your family.

But you are too busy. America is the fucking la la land. All you care about is money, sex, and fun. All the vices are present in the beautifully artificial country of America.
Seriously, you can't help me out with $50 but you can afford nice hotels and play golf whenever you want. You can travel anytime you want, play golf anywhere you want. YOU PLAY GOLF!
Now you are in the la la land. With your candy dicks and sweet pussy. The pills, drinks, and oh yes, golf! Seriously?
Drive uber so you can play golf?
Oh father, I am sorry that America has mutated you into this.
I really pray Allah has mercy on you.
I hope you find the reason why you are alive today.
Not because of money.
Not because of America.
Not because you stand by yourself.
But because of your Creator.
Only Him alone. Nothing else. No one else.
Now if you understand this, then you understand Islam's essentials.

One day you will see the la la land that you have been wasting your time in,
the la la land that you will never achieve,
the American dream that will only remain a dream.
Take care.
I promise to try my best to help you wake up.
And I promise to try my best to not let your la la land destroy my principles and my life.

Don't board that plane

Currently 13:55
Flight time 15:35
Ruin your life
New religion destroyed
Love perished
Board that plane and you die

Remain where you are
Calm
Collected
Attached to your nature as a human
As your Creator's
You are okay
Just don't board
Or you will slowly burn

Steam of blandness

Out of her uterus you go. I am a alive. I am a baby into this new world. Pure. Innocent. New. A baby. No experience. No language. No knowledge. Everything starting fresh from now on. So I slowly grow my baby hairs longer. Roll, sit, crawl, roll, stand, fall, walk, run, roll, run, roll into a depression as I gain awareness of my surroundings. Influences everywhere you look everything you hear is going to shape your character and future self, As soon as you start talking they already want more from you. It doesn't end until you really make it then but regardless their will always be that voice in the back of your head that has influenced you ever since you could understand your first language. But even if you understood in your way does that mean you really understand in their way. And even if you understand in their way do you want to fulfill what they want for you or what you want for yourself. You are nothing but a baby though right. They have to mold you into something that can conquer this evil world. So school starts and then you are forced to play sports and not just any sport you want but a sport that will help you get a scholarship in school...nope it doesn't matter if you enjoy that sport or are even good at it because you were convinced to practice a sport that will guarantee you easy college admission. Oh and your career? It better promise you a good salary. Get that degree as fast as you can and strap yourself down to that promised salary. And the minimum better be no less than $45,000 a year. Who cares if you are only 22 years old when you earn your promised bachelor's degree because that degree guarantees a successful life. Oh and successful just means a good salary it doesn't matter if you are a low level nurse in a government controlled hospital where your colleagues don't even know if you are a nurse or a patient because your eye bags are darker than the moon. And make sure that salary keeps getting higher. After two years of nursing and your continuation of school you better be a Nurse Practitioner at the age of 25 or you are irrelevant to this society. And no you cannot just work you have to be fit and post your healthy meals on your social media while catching up with all your old friends that completely forgot why they still associate themselves with you. Don't take it personally though. At least you got that promised salary your father has been begging you to continue school for. So you wake up. Go on a morning run, eat your avocado poached egg toast and bike to work and then you work your 12 hour shift only to bike back to your lonely apartment with your two fishes that you feed before yourself and then you continue to scroll and like and dream and envy and shake off the fact that you are not happy you will never be satisfied with this lifestyle. You go out occasionally with some friends or your roommates but the drinks taste watered down even though you still can't get it down your hatch properly without throwing it back up or embarrassing yourself flushed in red. And better yet you go to sleep alone or with some guy that gave you a drink or a hit of his joint. How long does this cycle repeat until you realized you want to be a wife already you want to start a family. Friends can leave anytime they wish. But a husband and kids is the life we are created for. Maybe now you aren't on your path to that salary your father has talked to you about since you were in High School, but he never talked about happiness or hereafter. This life on this Earth is too temporary that;s it;s almost funny how people take it too seriously, You must be successful, but not in your happy family, but in your singular income. What a life that would be. I'm 100000% sure Allah did not create these hands just to earn and spend for useless items. Wake up girlies. Life is so much more than just money and instant satisfaction and gratification. Seek out happiness for eternal life...not just today. Maybe you don't know from your obsessive consumerism culture you were born in....but patience can guide you out to a better life. Take care.

Home ???

What a funny way to live.

I've been in Indonesia for almost 2 weeks and I feel the same feelings as last August right before I went back to US.

I wouldn't call that place home just my birth place I guess…I don't really belong anywhere to be quite honest.

No home.

But none of us really have a quote on quote home if you really think deep about it. Is a home where we were born? Where we were raised? Is it a place? A house? A person? More than one person? Is it a pet? A family? A feeling? A desire? An emotion? I'm still trying to grasp this concept of home but quite honestly it sounds so fucking far off that it barely seems to even exist.

Does it have to be missed? Or is it your goal? An unattainable fairytale vision?

And is this concept of home necessarily the place where you belong or should remain?

But why am I even thinking about mt settlement when I just came out of the womb 20 years ago?

I am still a free little baby seeing the quote on quote real world and truly discovering who I am as an individual.

But so far I'm fucked up.

To be honest it's not easy finding yourself when you are so so deeply in love.

Myself is now someone that must coexist with this man. So it is even myself? I feel lost without him and I feel even more lost with him. I'm so caught up in this string of hearts that I'm unintentionally strangling myself. But its basically intentional since I am completely aware of this entanglement and refuse to unwind. But in the end I just want to cut the ties all at once.

I am completely thinking and believing things that has never crossed my mind 2 years ago. The thought of my nonexistent home has completely kept me up at night. My mind is so unsteady. I've acquired a constant mental fog and no matter how hard I try to read or pray or focus on my intentions for Allah…I completely trip. And right as I was going to jump into the bridge I fall on my laces and I can't even make it to the bridge anymore.

My back is straining.
My jaw is tensing until I feel a dull pain.

My heart feels like it can explode any minute. In the best way possible. And at the same time, in the worst way possible.

I don't know how to let go of this lingering tension.

I try to calm myself. But after the moment of clarity the tension builds back up more intense. The intensity increasing by increments of the thousands every time I attempt to suppress my mind.

I can't keep pushing these feelings. I'm swaying in a swing that is about to collapse. My strength hasn't been fully tested merely because my weaknesses are too heavy to even lift a centimeter off.

Anyways enough of my amateur cry out poetry.

As I was saying, I feel like I'm in the same place as last August when I left Thailand and went back to US. And I went back simply because I couldn't handle relying on this man anymore. He was struggling everyday to help feed me and get me a hostel bed Thailand. I think it lasted 2.5 weeks alone but fully depending on this man when he was in Malaysia. And after 3 days of not eating I decided to climb into my biological father's babycrib and fly home with his aid and our regrets. His regret for having me born and my regret that I didn't use that opportunity back in my birth place to the best of my ability. My stupid little fucked up, diminishing, low level abilities. Sorry Dad. It definitely saddens me too that I didn't conform to millennium society when I had the PERFECT chance right in front of my can of beer and multiple lines of cocaine. Wait what? Oh yeah did I mention regrets?

And yet again Thailand visa run part 2 but this time in lovely Indonesia. Eating twice a day already feels glutinous compared to how me and this man lived in Malaysia though...believe it or not...the day I left this man to do my little visa run we just pulled a double all nighter at the cyber cafe. Funny right? And I still had to ask my cousin for the ticket! And then this man proceeds to pull multiple all nighters completely homeless while booking me a room here in Indonesia. Yeah talk about struggle.

I don't know why everyday has to be a waiting game. I simply cannot live like this. Just wait for this man to finish a job and send me money to eat and get a room. It doesn't feel right at all. And sometimes he doesn't even have a room and of course he never eats enough. How is this right at all? I am fully capable of working in US but he thinks I will literally burn in hell if I go back there. Whether he is right or not is besides the point. So what? I just have to sit around while he works too hard to barely feed the both of us. I love traditional lifestyles and all that but I gotta wake up man....this isn't 1500s and I'm not living in a village. I don't know what 20 year old girl in her right mind is travelling abroad living this type of life when she has a completely open sesame opportunity in her birth place the Super Capitalist Mega 1st World Country. The simple answer is that I'm fucking crazy.
Crazy mentally and maybe crazy in love. I don't really know what it is but it's been quite an experience. It's kind of hilariously outrageous and at the same time extremely sad.

I don't know.

My heart is aching.

My chest is in pain.

I can't stop crying.

I can't write anymore.

This is all I have to say for now.

Probably a handful to understand.

Now that I read this over again I can't help but laugh at how ridiculous my life is right now.

Can't take it so seriously right? I guess that's partly what keeps me going. But also partly what keeps me not giving a shit anymore. So there it is.

Puffy Eyes

Tense shoulders
Throat quivering
Two full buckets ready to spill
You turn away from him
Let him not see a drop
He speaks
Triggered emotions
Buckets tip over dramatically
Emptied
Followed by puffy eyes

Nemuri Kyoshiro: The Man with No Tommorow

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vms8cz9cyv0

Brilliant Japanese 1995 film.
Fun and artistic portrayal of katana sword fighting.

Sonic Youth's Anagrama

The album Anagrama created by Sonic Youth released in 1997.
21 years ago.
1 year before I was born.
Listening to it on a February day in 2019. The year I don't belong.
Wishing I was 20 at the time of this release....not an adolescent in this shitty era of pop indie edm whatever people want to call their unoriginal soundcloud garbage.
Instead of listening to it for the first time on Youtube, I can place it's vinyl record on a player and play it at the suggested 45 and then after that put the pin back to the edge of the record adjusting the speed to 33 to feel it a bit slower. Feel every crazy vibration.
This album is quite eccentric.
Words cannot describe what your ears endure during the EP's 23 minutes of 4 tracks.
The first track really hits the spot from the very beginning. So relaxing and tingly.
9 1/2 minutes of pure passion.
The first half of this EP is absolute sex due to this song "Anagrama" as you can see is also the title of the full album.
The second half is definitely more intense to the ears. A little rough and kinky.
Foreplay is officially over once you get to the 2nd track.
Sonic Youth is coming at you raw on these next 3 tracks.
You are basically in another universe at this point.
There's no turning back. The familiar drums then come back from the 1st track but you are still confused as hell.
You then find some composure after being face fucked by aliens. Hoping this is some time machine realm that will let you press rewind to the 90's. 
Then to realize that it's coming back at you even weirder and stronger hitting you with harsh reality of post-punk for the 3rd and 4th track.
The vibes are first sexy but actually it turns out it's more creepy than sexy. You even hear your phone ringing at some point but it's just an alien phonebooth no worries. 
It's just a whole lot going on but you learn to like it a lot. And replay it while you read the morning news. And then replay it again while you clean your house. While you drive the kids to school. You fucking fall asleep to the crackhead seizure of track 4 "Mieux: De Corrosion."

Alright good luck with it.

Contemplation

This wasn't the first time I've though about it. It's not the first time I attempted it. But it's the first time I was given a physical sign to not follow through. Humanity still exists. Even if it seems like there is not a kind soul in this world...you might be encountered with one when you least expect it or when you need it the most.

I was so close to my suicide last week. Taking the ferry to Butterworth with no change in my pocket to take the ferry back if I had changed my mind. I wanted to jump so bad out of that ferry, be completely detached from this fucked up world. Take my life out of my body, ending who knows where, the pits of hell, on the side of the shore, a rescue boast...I really don't know. But there were too many people on that ferry, old people, young people, families, babies, cars, motorbikes. I didn't want to cause a commotion in their day just because I wanted to die. That would just be completely selfish and inconsiderate. I just couldn't do it that way. So I stepped out of that ferry in utter disappointment of still breathing. What now? So I decided jumping off the Penang bridge was my next best option. No scene. No witnesses. Fast and easy.

So I walked. Steps and tears and confusion which way to go. I think I walked for over one hour...and unfortunately the first bridge had houses below it which would ruin a night of at least a few people....really though...2 bridges!? But wow right before I arrived to the 2nd bridge above the ocean, that would soon be home to my dead body, some guy on his motorbike told me he will take me across because it's too dangerous to walk on that bridge. I told him I was okay but he kept insisting until I shyly and with a bit of relief hopped on. One stranger's simple act of kindness saved me...LITERALLY. Thank you kind sir.

So here I am one week later with only shame and determination to change myself. Now with no Whatsapp no local number no contact with my parents since the morning I almost jumped. My friends and I both cut each other off months ago. I only have Allah and my fiance keeping me strong...no one else in my life. I'm trying my best to keep myself busy, not to sit with my negative thoughts too long but just keep moving. I've just been so tired lately and my body is sore everywhere even though I do nothing physically straining. Just drained mentally.

I want to get better though.

I choose to get better.

For myself. Not my parents. I truly understand that me committing suicide only terminates my life. Everyone else's life is still intact. Life goes on. The world doesn't disappear. Just mine.

Why give up when I can give myself time to change?

To those who want to jump or are so close to ending your life...I hope you are given a sign or a person even if it's a stranger to save you on that night. I hope you get some strength before the action. I know this post might not be powerful enough to be your sign, but I can still hope right? It isn't easy to save ourselves when their seems to be no way of getting better.  But give yourself just a bit more time, I know you are really trying and the patience is starting to wither. You just have to choose. Life or death. There is no turning back for both. But there is always going to be a movement forward for the first option.

Year of Pigs

Pigs wildly run around
skin of pink
brown
black
white
yellow stained streets
queue for food outside temple
prayers recited
families park their fancy car on the side of Buddha
smoke in the air
greed flying free
now eat til you die
eat until you cannot chew another morsel
sleep
happy new year sir

Shopping Mall Murder

As i walk around this air conditioned shopping mall i contemplate propelling myself off the fifth level. I currently stand on the moving stairs watching all these lazy shoppers going up up to their death. Similar like me except they don't even realize that this suicide is much worse than a jump. This suicide is committed everyday. Their wallets is the gun and their head is their dignity. Their heart swept away with every swiping of their credit card. Its all a bloody mess. Cash everywhere. Cash they barely can get a grasp on. Some of them fall off the balcony just trying to stretch that soft arm one more inch to reach one single bill. People even traveled hundreds and thousands of minutes of sky time to end up in this hell hole where their salary can go much further in this Malaysia shopping mall than in their UK shops. I'm fucking disgusted. I am crying here stuck in the second floor trying to make myself to go back to the ground. But i decide to take the moving stairs to the third level. Closer to my last sentence. And you are almost at your last penny. Yet you didn't even make it near the moving stairs. You are already dead. Swimming in the pit of debt. Take care. 

Power of one text message

"I hope you are still alive."

What the fuck kind of text message is that?
Is this your way of showing that you are a real friend who cares about me?

None of you really give one shit about what I am doing with my life. I've been in and out of my hometown for 2 years now. In and out of the country I was born in. Sometimes I struggle with money and sometimes I am MIA completely off the grid from everyone and anyone from my past. Not even my family I care to contact anymore. Everything I do isn't enough if I am not back in America studying the fulfilling this fake ass "American dream." If Trump had the option to deport me he would, and surely I would deport myself. But I am surely grateful for the American passport that came along with being born in a funny country. So I am definitely going to use it to the best of my ability while I possess it. Going from Malaysia and Thailand like there's no tomorrow.

This one text message can shift my mindset into a depressive state instantly. One friend "hoping" that I am still alive...suggesting that I have gone that low in my life to give up completely. She expresses that all my "friends and family" are worried about me back home. What? That's complete bullshit because when I was back home my "friends and family" didn't even care to visit me or help me get out of drugs and a shitty lifestyle. The moral support is never there, whether I'm in my hometown or in Penang, Malaysia. No shits are given.

This one text message can have me worry my ass off about my future. Keep overthinking that what I am doing now, where I am now, is not good for my life. That if I was following the way my "friends and family" expect me to do my life would be better. This overthinking is complete nonsense. I am just giving myself a headache, nothing else. This is the last place in my head I want to be while I am becoming a Muslim. This is not Islam thinking. This is atheist, toxic overthinking that needs to be eliminated just like all the text messages and fake worries I randomly receive. Blocking people from my whatsapp is what I have to resort to now. My strength with Allah isn't where I thought it was. I really have to build that first before I try to strengthen any other past friendships or contact with my family. My relationship with Allah must come first. He is always there for you no matter what. He decides your future, not you.

Toxic Levels

You never learned your limit.
Naive.
Ignorant.
Arrogant.
You already knew you couldn't handle more than a couple shots a night.
You had to take it slow.
But you resisted.
You kept thinking you could handle yourself.
Emptying out your stomach in the toilet or the gutter.
Whichever was closer.
Even Ryan's new shoes.
And you didn't even know Ryan.
Sorry Ryan.
Face bright red.
Not from embarrassment.
Just my typical Asian Glow.
But paired with a tomato complex was asthma, vomit, and no coordination.
Possible alcohol allergy?
How could this be?
So I can't party.
I can't drink.
But I did anyway.
Even if it meant spending New Year's countdown in the bathtub.
I drank shot after shot.
I thought I had to in order to blend in.
Such a child.
Such a teenager.

Wake Up Little High Schooler

Philippines Summer Trip

Written Year 2015 as a Junior in High School

Personal Statement for College Applications

Desired Profession: Nursing Practitioner

The day after my twelfth birthday, I encountered the most unforgettable experiences in my life. I was
in the Philippines, my first visit to a third world country. My family’s vacation was coming to a close
when my sister’s foot randomly swelled so much that walking was painful. As a result, my grandparents’
driver drove my grandparents, dad, sister, and me to the nearest clinic.

After the lengthy drive to the city, my dad carried my sister into the cramped clinic that reeked of rust.
The entire clinic was about the same size as a waiting room in the Kaiser Medical Center that I’m
accustomed to at home. We waited for what seemed like forever, my sister and I sitting on the only
two folding chairs, watching the clinic’s only nurse assisting a patient. When the nurse sent the patient
home, my dad moved my sister to a metal counter to be examined. I didn’t really pay attention after
that because I was distracted by the heat and filth of the tiny building. Perhaps because the clinic’s
doctor was busy at another facility in a different province, the nurse just gave my sister pain relievers
to take home. The image of that clinic will always be engraved in my memory, as I am so
overwhelmingly grateful for the cleanliness and quality of our medical assistance back home in the
States.

On the return to my grandparents' house, we stopped by the driver’s home and met his family. He
lived in the middle of Manila in a small closed off piece of land with his wife and their five young
children. Their land was occupied by two huts made of wooden planks and sheets of metal. I distinctly
remember the children running around and laughing, happy as could be, with no toys or phones to
keep them occupied, very different from what we see here. My dad told me later that day that the
driver was so grateful for his job and home, off the streets. Seeing their lives in the sea of poverty
of the Philippines really opened my eyes to the real world outside of suburban Folsom, California,
where I grew up.

I feel incredibly fortunate to be living in the United States, and I feel a passion and an obligation to
help those suffering from poverty. Now that I am older and understand the true challenges experienced
by that clinic and the people they serve, I yearn to care for those seeking medical attention around the
world, particularly in third world countries. Being a nurse practitioner would best allow me to use my
profession to make such a difference in the world.

_________________________________________

Anywhere but America Trip

Written Year 2019

Response to Fake Personal Statement

Desired Profession: Not a robot

In curiosity I went through my Google Drive and stumbled upon this personal statement
that I started in April of my junior year in High School. I started writing this horrid
essay when I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life. My dad enrolled me and
invested his precious money in this stupid college counselor that basically walked me
through the application and enrollment process into my top choice colleges...they helped
me develop emails and applications to send to rowing coaches of colleges I thought
I wanted to study at.

So basically I was cheating...none of it was me. It was all Sharon. Thanks Sharon. It’s
not fair you know...so what just because my dad could afford to pay for this college
counselor then I could get this opportunity and acceptance into a sub par catholic
stupid private mother fucking big shot University with a capital U. How is this fair?
I wasn’t even that great in rowing. I was average at everything I did. So I really
thought I deserved an average future. But my dad thought the complete opposite.
I don’t know what was going through his head. I would slap my 16 year old stupid
pansy coward face all the way back to my 9 year old bunk bed. As Sharon and my father
both worked their manipulative magic we formulated my life path. So I chose NP as my
desired profession because it paid more than Nursing but it wasn't as much school as
becoming a Doctor...wow that really shows how sincere I wanted to care for people huh?
Thank you Allah for waking me up sooner than later. Realizing that none of it was real.
None of it was real. It was a fake life. My whole existence in America was a fucking lie.
Since I was just an innocent child who knew nothing about my family roots...I was told
to get a good job and earn money. I didn’t know where I came from, and I still don’t really
know. But what I know now most importantly is that I really belong is Asia. I am Asian.
I have to find myself in Asia. Not in the fake white country of America. America almost
got me so fucking good. They almost trapped me in their lie forever. The American
Nightmare almost killed me. Three times.

Maybe you are curious about this American poison that flew me out multiple times. This so-called
American Dream is farthest from a dream. It’s a lie created by all these sadistic Jewish
capitalists. Everything they created for the benefit of their capital and western world
to thrive and takeover the world. Feminism, sexuality, consumerism, selfishness,
individuality was all created to rule the world. To eventually destroy Islam slowly. It’s
already happening. Allah already gave us everything we need to live okay but people are
making it hard. Open your eyes. The poor is just getting poorer. The rich are getting
richer. And they want to keep us dumb. Numbing us with sex, luxury, drugs, alcohol and
dopamine fixes from likes on Instagram. What is this nonsense? They tackle human
weaknesses and strip us down to our naked bodies literally. They skin us alive and let
our skin dry in the sun. They take our skin and put it in our food, in our medicine,
secretly giving us a taste of our own blood and cum. They want us to be inhumane in
every way. They talk about human rights in the same way they fight for animal rights.
Because in their eyes, there is no difference.

Okay okay I’m getting a bit carried away here. So basically what I’m trying to get at
is no matter how hard you try to be the best Nurse or Nurse Practitioner or doctor
you think you can be...you will still be just average. Your white colleagues will get more
credit. Unless you cure cancer, or diagnose your sister thoroughly, you will be nothing.
And the worst part, you will just be their slave. Clocking in just like how you clocked in
at Whole Foods Grocery Store, switching shifts with other nurses similar to how you
switched with that bitch cashier who wanted more time to get ready for a concert.
It’s all a fucking joke. They numb you with all this shit so in the end you can be their
robot. Once you are in the system they got you by a wire. And you just have to hold
on tight. And better yet, everyone around you is going to be as plastic as the apples
they feed you with open minds but closed eyes and mouths. Maybe they feel bad for
you because you will never be white? They will ridicule you in secret, but still give you
a donut on Friday. And you thought this was good enough, oh wait, they will make you
worship them. And the saddest thing is that you will cry yourself to sleep because you
will never be white enough for your Asian dad.

Yeah sure the medical facilities and equipment is spectacular in the US...but it's just
part of their trap. All this insurance, retirement, and medical check ups basically reject
the existence of Allah. Relax. You are okay. Except death. Expect death. Life is simple.
People, positions, social statuses, Facebook updates, and borders just make it difficult.

America's False Flag

I have held an American citizenship since I was born.

I was born in California. 

My parents were born in the Philippines.
Moved to America in their 20's around 1995. 

So of course I look completely Asian and identify as a Filipina.

Now the question is am I an American? Am I an American-Immigrant? Am I an Asian-American?

And the other question is...why does it really matter?

It's just a passport. It's just a citizenship. But it is one of the last things I can truly identify myself as. It's not the country I am proud to be coming from. And surely, I still don't think I really come from there. I was just born on that land because my parents didn't want to live in their homeland. They call America the "land of the free" but I can consider it more the "land of the lost." The land of many people who don't want to or don't care to identify themselves with any country. As some are proud to be an American. Many of us don't truly know what it really means to be an American. 

Travelling around Asia I've learned many things about the world and my identity. One thing is for sure that America is completely a bubble, oblivious to so many real things going on in other countries, oblivious to the strong impact (positive and mostly negative) their western influence and capitalistic ideology has put upon many countries in Southeast Asia. Americans are completely stuck in their own ideas that they are the strongest country in economy, style, entertainment, equality, human rights and everything great...but is it really that great for the world, or just them? In similar ways it has destroyed my family, western influence has put a huge toll on the poverty differences in the Philippines, Indonesia, India, etc. and slowly working it's way to other innocent countries like Malaysia and Thailand without them realizing it. They take from all these third world countries. Check right now, where is your shirt from? Maybe it's from Bangladesh or South Africa. But I guarantee you that a majority of you won't see your cheap clothing made from America or a European country. Many of these western first world countries are nothing without these third world countries, and the sad part is that the first world countries take all the credit. They cannot admit that they want oil from the middle east, so they create this religious tension putting all this fear on extremist groups when they are the filthy thieves.

America is not just taking oil. They take everything they want for their benefit. Taking from any country that is a bit too relaxed and a lot easier to control than North Korea. Making it sound like they can make a nice peace deal helping each other, but all they do it just drop their shit sex culture and leave with anything they want. They took my family from me. They took my identity away from me. They took my homeland so I can call them my homeland. My real fake homeland filled with artificial grass and covered with plastic.

Apology not heard. Apology not accepted.

NGO's are a no-go

NGO

/ˌɛnˌdʒiːˈəʊ/

noun

1. a non-profit organization that operates independently of any government, typically one whose purpose is to address a social or political issue.

   
   

   "thousands of people have been displaced, seeking refuge at police stations, churches, and temporary accommodation set up by NGOs"

Independent and free from government control they may be, but that doesn't mean they are doing all good. Of course no organization is perfect, but some of these advocacy, religious, or environmental NGO's seem to forget the role they can play to benefit society. 

The source of funding for a non-governmental organization essentially comes from donations, sponsorship, and grants....well that's what we are told. Great huh? Sounds so personal and no room for error. Maybe what some of us anti-gov vegans fear of non-NGO's is that politicians or conservatives will corrupt the financials right? But just like politicians, volunteers and ngo presidents are also human and any innocent human is surely capable of excessive greediness. 

Don't be fooled. Just because some organization claims themselves to be an NGO...it doesn't mean they have the greatest intentions. Even religious ones. Don't be decieved because they use the name of God. How real are they really being? I wanted to convert to a religion and walked into an NGO wondering if they can teach me more and they were already to convert me that same day...??? What's the rush? They didn't even know if I knew anything about the religion and they wanted me to convert immediately. They even told me that if i died crossing the street without converting what will happen then. I completely understand where they are coming from but they still have no right to rush into it like that. And from my knowledge many of these religious affiliations get money for every person they convert. Oh...so now I know what all the rush was about. What a joke. And here they are filming me and taking pictures that entire month I was there. I have a lot of other things I can say about this corrupted NGO but they certainly did help me convert in the end but I just was unsure where their intentions lie. 

This wasn't my first experience with an NGO. It also isn't the first time I was confused about society's positive outlook on NGOs purley because they label themself as a charitable organizations. Are award ceremonies for members and publicity of the NGO logo really more important than personally advocating for the cause or teaching the religion in depth? 

What's the point to label yourself an NGO...its just a trap.